Wednesday, November 13, 2013

18 Signs You Were Raised by a Kraut

Honestly, it's no shocker to anyone that I was raised a tried and true Kraut. But until recently, when my cousins and I started talking about how strange our childhood was, we didn't think we were THIS strange. Until we put together a list of things we did that other kids didn't get to do.
Trust me, we had fun.

1. You own more than one stein.
Germans with steins are like Rednecks with t-shirts. You must get one for every vacation you go on, and then display it proudly every chance you get.

2. You've eaten Rouladen, Spaetzle, Sauerkraut and Blood-wurst, and liked it.
It takes all day to make them, they're fattening as all get out, and covered in an obscene amount of gravy (no pretty food photos here). But, they're delicious.

3. There is a Brothers Grimm fairy tale book in your house.
And you've read them many times, and are terrified by them.
Another sign you're a kraut:
blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs

4. Your Oma likes David Hasselhoff.
And it does freak you out a little bit.

5. It's November 13th, and you have already been told about your Christmas Advent Calendar.
Multiple times. And you've been asked when you want to take it home.
And when you remind your family its November 13th, they try to convince you that you need one for November too.

6. You've become a chocolate snob.
You know who makes the good chocolate and where to find it. Who needs Nestle when you have Lindt?

7. Nutcrackers.
And not just for the holidays either. For display ALL year round.

7.5. Nutcrackers that smoke a pipe
And thats just the one proudly displayed on the bookshelf. There's three more in the family that smoke too!

8. Penaten Cream.
And it's not just used for eczema like I use it. Oh no, growing up it went on everything! Penaten cream is to Germans what Windex is to Greeks!
Pink cheeks? Put some Penaten cream on it. Bruise? Slather that sticky white shit on it! Scar? You know what you need. You have a cold and are dosed up on cold meds and still feel crummy? Try some Penaten cream?
All jokes aside, that shit works wonders!

9. You own a Dirndl dress.
And if you need to sport a new one you know about ten different people who you can score one from.

10. Manners matter.
And don't you dare forget it! You were raised strict, you knew you were raised strict, a LOT was asked of you, but in return you were spoiled rotten, loved to pieces and got to do so many fun and interesting things!

the brow
11. Recipes don't exist.
I've yet to meet a German that follows a recipe. Whenever I ask my Oma how to make something, she tells me to "just add salt and butter until it tastes good."
For what it's worth, that's pretty sound advice.

12. The Brow.
Everyone in my family knows about the brow. I genuinely don't know if its just a Utah German thing or if all Germans do it...but we do the brow. And we do it well. Mr. Spock can't even compare to the look of the brow that you get...especially when you're in trouble.

13. Drinking songs.
I don't drink, but man I love a good drinking song. Most krauts, whether they drink daily or never set foot in a pub know many drinking songs, making trips to Oktoberfest a blast!

14. You were very prepared for any elements you may encounter in the backyard.
Whether you were dressed in a puffy jacket or a inch layer of sunscreen, your parents had you covered. Literally.

15. Your room being a mess wasn't an option.
Neither was your bathroom, or any other part of the house.
And dust bunnies....well they were extinct as far as you knew.

16. You don't buy your meats or cheeses from Walmart, you go to the Delicatessen.
Krauts take their meats and cheeses to a whole new level of seriousness, and growing up you'd make special trips out of your way to get exactly what you needed.

17. The Chicken Dance
If I didn't know any better you'd think that it was the national anthem of Germany. And growing up you knew the song and dance all too well!

18. You are type A, you knew it, and you knew it wasn't going to change.
We all are in a sense very type A. Some of us more A+ than others, but we were all very loud, very opinionated, and very hard-working. We're all a little bit nutty, but thats what makes us fun, and makes growing up Kraut a blast!

1 comment:

  1. I love this! Dont get me wrong Im proud to be American but coming to South Africa made me realize how many Americans have lost their cultural background in the mix of modern society! This was hilarious!